- The U.S. has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
- Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street.
- The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
- What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.
- The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right, and on the right side nothing's left.
- I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show: if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
- Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar.
- President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21.
- What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds,' I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance and the wife gets no jewelry.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your new life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
And, no, I'm not giving any credit here. (There is no credit!) The only credit for this I can think of goes to those who voted for Bush. Twice.